Out of the closet and into the frying pan?
Feature | Latest

Out of the closet and into the frying pan? (NSFW)

NatCorn
NatCorn

I’ve been some kind of nudie as far back as my earliest vague memories. I don’t know why. Naked was somehow… better… more fun. My home was in the land of the Church of God, cold winters, moderate summers, and vast clouds of mosquitoes. My naked places were full of briars and sand burrs.

When my parents were out I’d live around the house naked and when they were home I’d head into the forest, the river, and the abandoned fields that constituted our property at the time for summertime nudity. Sleeping naked even on the coldest winter nights and feeling pleasantly guilty about it. Streaking when I was a teenager and feeling rebellious about it. Nude modeling in college and feeling very cold on winter days.

My role model!
Credit Uncertain My role model!

I have long since given up any attempt to figure out why I have this drive to be naked. Probably at least related to my Asperger’s and my failure to socialize “properly”. My informal understanding is that quite a few Asperger children have a strong dislike for clothing. Perhaps I resisted the reeducation camp that is socialization.

I saw no harm in it. Aversion to nudity seemed illogical.  However, being different from everyone else in yet another way – in a way that I couldn’t rationalize – made me feel perverse. I had to keep it hidden or some people would be happy to destroy me for it. It is was as fundamental to me as being straight or male, defying all efforts to change it. God said it was evil and sick. There were days I hated myself for it. It was far from my only stress but it made things worse.

I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian family and neighborhood so it behooved me to stay in the closet (even in the era of Woodstock) until I left home. The closet is an important resource for people who would suffer extreme consequences if their secret got out. However, you need to keep trying to leave that closet.

Skinnydipping… Alone again, naturally.
Credit Uncertain Skinnydipping… Alone again, naturally.

I did some modeling in college. The first time round I had a minor anxiety attack, based on what I thought was going on inside the artists’ heads and the kinds of negative experiences I’d had in the locker room as a young teenager. It was stupid (and very embarrassing) and I overcame it. Soon I became an in-demand model at both local colleges I attended and other nearby community colleges.

Part of me still felt perverse. I was still different in a “strange” way. Even as a model I wondered if I were posing for “bad” reasons. The best of people will doubt themselves if they are an outlier.

Once I had moved from conservative northern Michigan to “progressive” Southern California, the actual need for a closet was gone and I proceeded on that basis. As an adult, I made sure there was nobody close to me who would dis me for my (legal) life choices. I chose new friends who at least were tolerant of the idea and the surviving parent I left behind could stay in his bubble. I remade my personal world in order to be true to myself and to hide no more. Or at least not as much.

Continued… Read full original article…

Source: This is my place.

Original publication 10 August, 2017

Posted on NatCorn 2nd January 2021

Reference to an article does not infer endorsement of any views expressed.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

I accept the Privacy Policy